The Strategy of Pairing
Have you ever wondered what makes it so difficult to stick to healthy eating, or proper exercise, or getting to bed on time?
Turns out, we’re all different when it comes to what motivates us and helps us to adhere to these disciplines. (Shocker, right?)
This post is #AllAboutHabits! Specifically, a strategy that Gretchen Rubin presents in her book Better Than Before that speaks to my own personal nature and tendency.
In this bestseller, Rubin outlines tools to both starting and committing to new habits to better your life. There’s one section in particular that really hit home for me, but before I can dig into that, I think it’s best to provide a little background information about the book and the philosophies leading up to my “struck” moment.
Brief synopsis:
First she helps you identify which of the Four Tendencies you are. The options are:
Rebel
Questioner
Obliger
Upholder
(I’ve recently decided to start incorporating an adapted version of her mini "Four Tendencies" quiz with all my new clients, to ensure I’m supporting them the way they need it -- it’s amazing how differently people are able and willing tackle goals and stay motivated! It’s important to honor those differences.)
2. Next she goes over the four pillars of habits:
Monitoring (because you can’t change what you don’t measure!)
Foundation (the mainstays like sleeping, moving, eating right, and staying organized)
Scheduling (because building in automation takes away the decision-fatigue)
Accountability (because there are consequences to not meeting your goals once people know about them!)
3. ...and then she explores how to “just begin,” using the approaches of:
First Steps (little bit of movement toward that habit change over time)
Clean Slate (starting fresh from scratch)
Lightning Bolt (sudden inspiration that kicks you into gear… way less common)
She goes on to explain different strategies for maintaining your commitments (and, sometimes, default strategies used to sabotage our best efforts).
These are a little more numerous and in-depth, so in order to get a good synopsis I recommend getting a copy of the book and diving in with a highlighter! (You should see all my books… serious highlighting problem.)
The Meat and Potatoes — the Strategy of Pairing
There was one strategy on her list that REALLY jumped out at me. It’s the strategy of “pairing.” According to Rubin’s definition, this occurs when two activities -- one you really want to do, and one that’s way less appealing -- are done at the same time in order to accomplish both. It’s basically mutli-tasking without realizing you’re doing it, and makes undesirable tasks seem way easier.
In the book, she provides examples such as:
Only watching your favorite TV show when you’re on the treadmill
Walking down to the coffee shop in order to buy your favorite item
Reciting your affirmations or prayers on your morning commute
Never allowing yourself to do work on airplanes, and reading for leisure instead
Doing small, tidying-up tasks when a commercial comes on
Putting your morning prescriptions by the coffee pot so you remember to take them first thing
Taking something with you when you walk from one room to another, to put things away effortlessly (I definitely do this one and it’s amazing)
Only eating a meal when you’re seated at the table (as opposed to standing or in the car)
Going for walks and inviting friends to join you to catch up
Standing when taking phone calls
This struck me so distinctly because I realized this is me.
This strategy is my strong suit.
This is how I’ve been able to successfully cultivate healthy habits over the last eight years.
Reading about the strategy of pairing opened my eyes to knowing myself better and realizing that there are dozens of ways that people learn, take in information, and transform their own habits.
Not that I didn’t already know how different we all are, but it really shifted my perspective, because the other strategies were not as compelling to me, personally, as this one was. I saw that my own little niche of habit change was pairing activities.
It’s a humbling reminder that everybody works differently.
Some now-solidified pairs of my own:
Listening to podcasts while I go for my daily walk or commute
Watering my garden while I monitor my dog outside
Cleaning dishes as I cook
Grabbing the office supplies I might need when I walk to the printer at work
Cleaning my essential oil diffusers every week while the laundry is going
Put the clean dishes away while my food heats up in the microwave
Watching 5-10 minutes of my favorite show while I have a meal by myself
Setting a timer every 15-20 minutes to run up and down the stairs or do a set of squats while working from home
Running errands after I’ve stopped in at the chiropractor’s office
What do these things pair?
Knowledge and movement
Interest and obligation
Organization and cooking
Time management and preparedness
Leisure and feeding
Functionality and productivity
Sometimes the pair are both things I want to do. Sometimes I dread both. Sometimes it’s one of each. The point is that I feel accomplished at the end of the day because of how many sets of birds I’ve killed with one stone. I like reflecting on that and crossing off 80 million things on my to-do list. The gratification makes this process stick.
The Down Side
Rubin points out that sometimes pairing habits can be our biggest saboteur, too, and that trying to break those connections can feel like not being true to yourself.
She gives the following examples:
Getting drunk on Saturday nights
Reading an email the moment you hear it ding into your inbox
Always going shopping when you travel
Eating candy and popcorn at the movies
Smoking a cigarette with your morning coffee
Some pairs of my own that are not always ideal:
Snacking while watching TV at night
Capturing serene, real-life moments on my stupid phone for Instagram stories (let’s be real, we all do this when we shouldn’t)
Chewing gum when I’m anxious or nauseous
Somehow having my stupid phone follow me into the bathroom (seriously, how and why does this happen…)
Wearing or bringing a bathing suit on the boat no matter how frigid it is outside
How to Start Pairing (or Not!)
What should we do, then, if we’re either trying to get ourselves to regularly pair things or want to break up a pair of undesirable habits?
First, I think it depends on your goals and how ready you are to tackle them. There are different stages of readiness (for my fellow public health geeks -- it’s the Transtheoretical Model (TTM), one of my all-time faves) that someone can fall into, at any point in time, and what stage you’re in can look different for different habits.
You have to really dig deep and ask yourself where you’re at. If you’re 100% on board and ready to get started, my first suggestion would be to use external cues, such as setting a phone reminder. These damn things follow us and track our every move and word, we might as well be making them work for us!
Let’s say you want to get into the habit of taking supplements at certain points of your day, but can’t stay consistent. Simple -- set a daily recurring reminder/alarm (or multiple, depending on your frequency needs) to tell you to do so. After about a week, I bet you won’t even need the prompting anymore.
Let’s say you want to spend more time outside, in the fresh air. Use your FitBit or AppleWatch reminder about how little you’ve moved in the last hour and spend those last ten minutes outside, doing a lap or two. Don’t have a wearable? Again, set a reminder, every-hour-on-the-hour, to get up and take a quick outdoor break. You’ll have added tons of extra outdoor time to your regular, every-day routine, without sacrificing productivity to yourself, your family, or your employer. (Moving often and getting fresh air actually improve your productivity, so it’s a win-win!)
Or maybe you want to get to bed earlier but can’t seem to put the steps in place to do so. Set a phone reminder, daily, at 8:30 PM that tells you to stop snacking; another reminder at 9:30 to turn off your devices; a third reminder at 10:00 to brush your teeth… naturally you will flow toward your bedroom a lot easier than if you trust your “intuition” will get you there by 10:30. And who knows, from 9:30-10:00 you might even develop a habit of reading. :)
The Takeaway
One awesome way to start working on healthier habits is to address ways to pair them together, especially when one of the habits you want to cultivate are not super exciting. Pairing up that bleh-habit with something you truly enjoy helps keep you accountable, accomplished, and consistent. Over time you might find that the entire pairing experience is enjoyable, and the once-bleh-habit is now something you look forward to! Just watch out for any habit pairings that might take you further from your goals or serve as excuses for not reaching them. You want to make sure you control the habits, not the other way around.
Do you have other ideas? What are some ways you’ve used the strategy of pairing to accomplish your goals and improve your life? Do you have other strategies -- either from Rubin’s book or otherwise -- that work better for you? I’d love to hear from you!
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