How to Make Positive Self-Talk Great Again
What the world doesn’t need: Pep talks about how good things come to those who wait.
What’s actually true: Good things will come to you if you set the right mindset and work diligently toward your goals.
What the world also doesn’t need: More woo-woo shit about how you should love yourself no matter what you look like, that we’re so lucky to be seeing another day regardless of our size, etc.
Caveat: Those things are not inherently false (I’d always wish you love for yourself and hope you are happy to be alive)… but they’re not inherently helpful, either. And you may truly not love yourself right now, and that’s okay. Acknowledge that.
I promise you are worthy no matter what size pants you wear, but being told that doesn’t help you feel better about the journey you’re on, does it?
Unpopular Opinion: The Toxicity of Always Forcing Positivity
The reality is that as humans, we experience a full range of emotions. Every moment of our existence isn’t positive, nor should we be forcing ourselves to think so.
It’s okay to be pissed off that your jeans don’t fit.
It’s okay to be down in the dumps about your acne returning.
It’s okay to want to change your body composition.
It’s okay to not be okay.
What’s NOT okay is to ignore negative thoughts or emotions, like they don’t exist or have merit. Make space for yourself — ALL versions of yourself — when you’re contemplating your health.
Avoidance is not helpful. In fact, it’s usually harmful. We’re not meant to be shoving positive thoughts down our own throats all day every day. You can let yourself go through the normal spectrum of emotional outrage when you accidentally gain 15 pounds from all the quarantine banana bread (oops) — the trick is to figure out what your next steps should be and let that anger and defeat fuel you to make a healthy change.
Basically, feel out the negative shit but let it motivate you to be better. THAT is the kind of positivity that moves mountains.
The Way You Think About Your Goals Changes How They Manifest
Again, this isn’t some woo-woo message to envision your ideal self… but if you don’t take your losses as opportunities to learn and plan, you’re letting them get the best of you. We don’t want constant negativity either.
Emotions are going to come up when you face your lack of health or weight loss for the first time, for real.
Emotions are automatic within our chemical body, and the thoughts about these emotions come second. In regard to emotions, we cannot necessarily control how we feel. But we CAN control how we think about and react to the thoughts that develop as a result of the emotions.
If you succumb to your negative thought patterns, they eventually get ingrained into your general beliefs about yourself and become hard to break free of. We definitely don’t want this to happen; what you believe about yourself is exactly what you’re going to get.
The idea is to reframe the next thought that pops into your mind about how you currently look, feel, or live — you can shift your perspective on this from one of self-sabotage to something way more useful.
Common Negative Self-Talk and How to Shift Your Perspective
These are all messages I’ve seen my family, friends, and clients tell themselves when they hit a health or weight loss snag. If you’ve ever spoken to yourself like this, you are not alone. Just know there’s a healthy way out of this downward spiral.
“I already ruined the day with [enter poor choice here], so screw it, I’ll just enjoy today and get started again next week.” (or tomorrow, or next year…)
Problem: You haven’t ruined anything at all, and you can enjoy every day if you choose to, poor choices or not.
How to shift: “Well… that was a poor choice. I’m at least going to acknowledge it, be real with myself, and just move on. This one solitary decision does not get to determine my overall success, nor am I going to gain 10 pounds because of it.”
Questions to ask yourself, reflect on, or journal about: “What prompted me to do that? Was there something about today that made me lose my sense of control and autonomy? Can I better prepare for that situation the next time it happens? Why do I feel dominated by this choice? In what ways am I giving up all my power? How have I already made progress, and how can I remember to celebrate that?”
“I’m never going to achieve [enter goal here].”
Problem: You certainly won’t if you tell yourself you won’t. Your body hears you… you can acknowledge your feelings, but don’t tell it you can’t do something.
How to shift: “It’s extremely frustrating and annoying to have woken up every day this week to no change at all… but it’s clearly true that progress takes time. I didn’t get into this [enter negative health situation here] overnight, so I need to remember that just putting in my time and showing up for myself every day will be worthwhile… just like every other person who’s done the same can say. I can be patient with myself. I can do this.”
Questions to ask yourself, reflect on, or journal about: “Why does this goal feel so impossible right now? Am I pushing too hard and maybe that’s why this feels insurmountable? Are there smaller steps I can take to make this transition easier? Should I seek out some support from family, friends, or a professional? Am I truly giving this everything I have, or am I letting myself fall into the temptation to complain and give up?
“That food was not even remotely on my plan… I hate myself for eating it.”
Problem: Sometimes limiting yourself to “yes” and “no” foods is a recipe for mental disaster, making you feel immoral for consuming something on your “no” list. There can be appropriate times and places for everything.
How to shift: “This is normally something I’d guilt myself for DAYS for having, but in reality, I need more balance in order to feel like I can do this. Limiting or restricting myself that much is not sustainable for me. I can still reach my goals while meeting myself where I am.”
Questions to ask yourself, reflect on, or journal about: “Why do I try to force myself into a box I know I don’t belong in? Where did I get the notion that it has to be all-or-nothing in order for me to succeed? Where can I make concessions in my plan to allow for just being a human? How can I structure moderation to both work toward my goals and for my sanity?”
“[insert goal or behavior here] is just too damn hard… why should I even bother?”
Problem: Big health goals (hell, even small health goals) are not easy, nor will they ever be. If they were easy, nobody would be in a situation that they want or need to change. It’s okay to acknowledge the difficulties, but it’s important to keep showing up because without health, we have nothing.
How to shift: “This feels absolutely impossible right now… but I’m not the first person to say that. The people who already made this happen for themselves just kept it consistent, even when it felt ridiculous. If I make the decision to just show up and do it every day, I don’t have to think about whether or not it’s worth bothering — because before I know it, it will prove to me that it was.”
Questions to ask yourself, reflect on, or journal about: “Why do I want to give up when things get hard? Where else in my life do I do this, and how can I change this habit? Do I truly think I can’t do it, or am I just afraid to push harder? Do I feel alone in this journey? If so, how can I make it so I’m less alone? How have others pushed through the hard parts when they felt like giving up? How can I break this up into more manageable pieces?”
“I hate my body… I wish I looked like [insert coveted body type/person here].”
Problem: We can certainly shift our body composition in certain directions when we work really hard to do so, but we will never be able to change our overall body type or shape — we’re all unique and look different even when we’re fit, which is supposed to be a good thing!
How to shift: “It’s a natural human tendency to look at others and compare myself to them. I’m always going to think there’s someone else who has it better… but I have to remember that there’s plenty of people out there looking at me and thinking the same exact thing. I am someone else’s ‘better,’ too. We all deserve more credit for who we are… because we are so much more than just bodies.”
Questions to ask yourself, reflect on, or journal about: “What aspects of myself, both body and mind, do I love? What do I know I can do better than anyone else? In what ways has my amazing body shown up for me today? What are all the physical accomplishments I’ve made in the last week? How can I show myself more gratitude and respect? What makes me more than just another body?”
And Just Like That, Toxic Positivity Becomes Productive Self-Reflection
We don’t need to just tell ourselves the world is puppies and rainbows and force ourselves to be comfortable in bathingsuits when we’re not.
There’s value in tackling your goals and trying to maintain a healthy weight… and we can avoid the trap of yo-yo attempts and self-deprecation by really analyzing why our first thoughts are so negative. Getting ahead of the problem to avoid those thoughts in the future is the most important thing you can do in these situations.
And remember… if you’re trapped in these thought spirals right now, this could be adding to your chronic stress load, messing up your digestion, disrupting your hormones, and making weight gain even worse. You can check out that link for my most recent post on this topic and download a free guide all about how to handle it the right way here.
